Diary of a Grammatical Misfit

We weren’t planning some awful attack on an unsuspecting member of the public though - we’re going to see And then there were none tonight, an Agatha Christie play.

And last night I was relishing a good murder mystery, an opportunity to switch off at the end of the week.

But today the reports from BBC News 24 (which plays in our office and echoes through my brain even when I’m not consciously watching it) is all about murder - the sentencing of the suffolk strangler, the verdict on the Sally Anne murder and the investigation into the Stirland gang-murders. 

All-in-all, I’m rather murdered out.

It is the most hilarious story. All the headlines shout loudly about the middle classes drinking too much but the stories underneath reveal that while people in wealthy areas are more likely to drink ‘hazardous’ levels of alcohol (22-50 units per week), people in poorer areas are more likely to drink ‘harmful’ levels (50+ units per week).

So why aren’t the headlines reflecting the whole story?

Is it because poorer people drinking isn’t news and wealthier people is? But why then are they focussing so much on people being able to afford to drink?

Is it because the press love to paint the picture of the ‘middle classes’ guzzling wine? No classless society when it comes to the middle classes - they are an object of mockery. But since it’s un-PC to use the terms upper or lower class - aren’t we all middle class? What does the term mean when the parameters are gone anyway?

Or maybe it’s a sneaky revolutionary tactic, designed to lure the ‘upper classes’ into a false sense of security… Posh person reads news: “What ho chums, we’re the only ones drinking responsibly. Another bottle? Why not! Chin chin!” 

Since the media circus that is the Diana inquest kicked off in earnest today, I thought I’d mention something that has oft made me chuckle.

The Daily Express (aka the paper that can’t believe she’s dead) gives handy examples of search terms that people might be looking for in its archive search which includes:

Daily Express       eg. Princess Diana

My only problem is trying to decide if I’m laughing at the idea that this is a genuine example, or at the idea that there might be someone at the Express with a sense of humour…

* The inverted commas are in case my mum reads this. She steams with anger slightly still, every time Diana, Princess of Wales is mistakenly referred to as Princess Diana. Coz she ain’t, you know.

There’s just no way that an article entitled “small object of grammatical desire” can go un-mentioned on a diary of a grammatical misfit.

Apparently the lowly hyphen is being eliminated from our too-fast lifestyles and over-sloppy typing of e-mails and, as such, is gradually disappearing from the slow-to-catch-on OED.

Well phooey! I say.

I care not if there comes a day where not a single hyphen remains in the pages of the beautiful-but fusty, esteemed-but-not-necessarily-adhered-to OED. Hyphens will always be desired here.

After all, my writing is confusing enough even with my confetti-like scattering of hyphens - I dread to think how impossible-to-decipher it would become without them…

“Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it”

And it seems that those who ignore the mistakes of reality are doomed to repeat them in virtual reality. Second Life has now banned gambling and welcomed religion according to this article.

American anti-gambling legislation (which is responsible for the change in policy) is one of the great triumphs of the religious-right (right as in wing, emphatically NOT the opposite of wrong although they may like to claim so). And now this moralistic, hypocritical (just check out the state lotteries!) legislation has seeped into the most popular of the virtual worlds and outlawed its casinos.

Ironic really, considering that one of the biggest attractions of having a second life is to escape the restrictions and repercussions of your first one.

Meanwhile the reality-escapees who have been wallowing in their virtual hotbeds of sin, have caught the attention of the Catholic church. 

“The digital world can be considered, in its way, mission territory” says Father Antonio Spadaro who hopes to lead others towards becoming virtual missionaries, preaching the word to the poor lost souls. Let’s hope the Second Life savages follow the traditions of history and eat them. 

What’s next - a call for recruits for the second life crusades?

Another stupid piece of reporting in London Lite the other night.

US drama DVDs: Medium Series 2

Patricia Arquette is a mum-turned-psychic with a bad fringe and a knack for solving crimes in this glossy but dull US drama. Though there are some creepy shocks, Arquette lacks any star quality and it all too often slides into melodrama. Don’t predict a season three too soon.

OK, DVD reviews aren’t really reporting so it’s not as bad as when they say stupid things and get facts wrong in news stories (which is fairly frequently that I notice and I only read this paper once every few weeks) but this review is annoying nonetheless. And it’s not just because I happen to like the show either!

Firstly, I hate the phrase “mum-turned-psychic”. What the hell does that mean? This isn’t a career change - someone doesn’t wake up one day and say “I don’t want to be a mum any more, I think I’ll go do something else”. And the two aren’t mutually exclusive anyway. “Mum and psychic” would perhaps be relevant in this case as the programme is as much about her being a mother as a psychic, but the way it is written is rather patronising.

Secondly, “don’t predict a season three any time soon”. Oooh, clever - referring to the psychic thing - highly original. Shame the writer didn’t have a quick look on IMDb or even this week’s TV guide. Coz they’d have seen that it would be a pretty damn accurate prediction - BBC1 is already halfway through televising the third series.

There has been another resurgence of armed police patrolling London since last week.

Of course, things have changed since Friday and their presence is in reaction to that.

But I hope their remit is to watch for suspected terrorists, not to shoot on sight those flouting the smoking ban…

Yes, it’s that time of year again. The shouts, the screams, the cheers, the groans. The sheer agonising frustration of watching Tim Henman play at Wimbledon.

He’s not the easiest person to support - Henmania is definitely not recommended for the elderly or those with heart conditions.

I don’t even need to watch the play to know how he’s doing. The audience is like a many headed beast, breathing their reactions as the point is played, errupting if he wins, politely clapping when he loses.

And that’s the reason I like to watch Henman play - I love that polite applause. It is exclusive to Wimbledon and you need a completely biased crowd to appreciate the power of it, so Henman is perfect.

I believe that polite applause is largely responsible for that other exclusively British bastion - sarcasm. Large volumes of raging insincerity wrapped up in the guise of good sportsmanship.

If anyone ever invented an applause translation machine it would read this applause as follows:

“We hate you very very much and we’d cheerfully rip your arms off if we could move at the speed of light or had telekinetic powers but we can’t and don’t. Sadly.

“And if you feel stabbing pains in your body or slowness of limb it’s because our will is exerting itself as we focus all our energy on making you lose.

“But we are British. And we are polite (dammit) so we will Applaud you for Good Play.

“And you’d better feel Appropriate Gratitude for our niceness and have the Common Decency to lose the next point.

“Bastard”

“Go Tim!!!” …  Grind him, beat him, smash him into smithereens, show NO mercy, kill kill kill!!!

I do hope we’ll enjoy your stay.

“Hope is necessary in every condition.” - Samuel Johnson

So long and thanks for all the teeth.